River:  The Owner's Guide And Maintenace Manual
by samshair
Summary: Instruction booklet is problematic?  Lost it to the Black?  Here's a new, clear, easy-to-assemble guide to RIVER TAM.


So here we go again. River Tam. Summer Glau. Made of win.

Not BALDwin.

Just win.

And belongs to Joss Whedon, Tim Minear

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**River Tam: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated **RIVER **unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your psychotic, yet smart teenager, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

**Basic Information: **

**Name: **River Tam

**Place Of Manufacture: **BigDamnHeroes Creations, Serenity Division

**Height: **5'6"

**Weight: **Unknown

**Your RIVER unit will come with the following accessories:**

Four dresses

One sweater

A pair of combat boots

A pack of Fruity Oaty bars

Various medicines (recommended administration by a **SIMON** unit)

When you first open your **RIVER **unit, she may look small and harmless. You would be mistaken. We recommend you not have any affiliation with the Alliance, and do not leave this unit alone when it first arrives. Leave it with a **SIMON** unit.

**Programming:**

Your **RIVER **unit is smart, very strong, and can carry out the following functions.

**Tutor: **Well, yeah, she's smart. So if you're failing or something, she might be able to help.

**Bargaining chip: **If you roll that way, you COULD turn her in to the Alliance for a reward…but we recommend you don't.

**Weapon: **If you set her off properly, she'll kick the asses of everyone in the room. Including yours.

**Fashion Critic: **Because "You look better in red."

**Your RIVER unit comes with four different modes:**

Normal

Angry

Scared

Crazy

Normal mode is that one where she kind of drifts around the house aimlessly, talking to herself, inanimate objects, or your family members. Make sure they're playing along/willing to have someone like RIVER in your house.

Angry mode is activated when someone (CoughAllianceCoughJayneCough) makes your unit angry. We recommend this is not you making her angry, because she can kill you with her mind.

Scared mode is what happens when your unit is 'set off'. Don't show her Fruity Oaty Bar commercials (also relating to crazy mode). Don't be part of the Alliance. Don't do other things that may scare her.

Crazy mode is activated at almost random-seeming intervals, however, we here at BDC are convinced there is reasoning behind her 'episodes', and had FOX left the program on television more than twelve weeks, we would know how and when this mode would activate.

**Relations with other units:**

**MALCOLM REYNOLDS: **No matter what happens, these two have got each other's backs. There shouldn't be any problems.

**ZOË WASHBURN:** Again, there shouldn't be any problems. **ZOË** knows not to push her buttons.

**HOBAN "WASH" WASHBURN: **For what some would call a crazy girl, **RIVER **doesn't really have any problems with many of the crew members…it's all good with WASH units.

**KAYLEE FRYE: **They're like sisters. Sister-In-Laws if you, as a **KAYLEE/SIMON **shipper, believe the two got all married.

**INARA SERRA: **We don't know if **INARA** will mind sharing her wardrobe with RIVER, but they haven't fought about it, so we assume the two are fine together.

**SIMON TAM: **We'll try to sum it up in a few sentences. He saved her from the Academy, and is working on finding out what the Alliance put in his sister's brain. Or took out of. The usual brother/sister relationship exists, along with a different type of closeness that leads our company to believe you should not buy one unit without the other.

**JAYNE COBB: **He thinks she's a nutball, and she thinks he looks better in red. Just don't leave them alone together. With knives.

**SHEPHERD D. BOOK: **Your unit may become extremely concerned about his hair. But no matter what she says, his brains aren't in such terrible danger.

**Cleaning: **She can handle it.

**Energy: **Just don't give her any "problematic" food.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **My **RIVER **unit arrived in a box, naked. Doesn't she come with clothing?

**A: **Yes, they should be in there somewhere. Get her a towel in the meantime. In keeping with the Firefly storyline, we chose to send her just as she arrived in the TV show.

**Q: **The** RIVER **unit I bought keeps calling someone Miranda. I don't know anyone named Miranda. Who's she talking about?

**A: **So, you're a Browncoat who's never seen Serenity? What is our customer's problems? It's a planet. Don't go there. As far as we know, the signal has already been released, and you don't need to see what's there.

**Q: **I recently purchased a **RIVER **unit, and after watching TV, she just decided to start beating up my family. What the hell happened?

**A: **Fruity Oaty Bar commercial. Sent her on a crazy spree. She's probably out cold by now, but you could try the magic words.

**Q: **My **JAYNE** unit is bleeding all over the floor, and he says it's **RIVER'S** fault. Is it?

**A: **Yes. But If they want to argue it out, **JAYNE** started it.

**Q: **My house is surrounded my people wearing blue gloves. I'm scared.

**A: **You should be. And by the time we get back to you, you're probably dead. Luckily, the RIVER you own is not the real girl, and so she is still alive. Maybe. For future people in this situation: Calmly tell them you purchased your unit online, and give them a receipt for proof. We THINK it works. Good luck.

**Q: RIVER **keeps complaining about a bug in her mouth.

**A: **There's a Reaver hiding in your house. Don't panic. There is another possible scenario: **RIVER** actually _did_ swallow a bug, and she's just whining about it.

**Q: **She's pretending to be a ship. Is she broken?

**A: **Let her do her thing. And, yeah, she's pretty much broken upstairs.

**Warranty: **With proper care, your **RIVER **unit should live until the end of her days, or until the Alliance finds her, and takes her away. If you should get sick of this smart, prodigal teenage girl, send her back for a full refund within sixty days of purchase.


End file.
